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Remember when we had a jokes thread?

Bestill

Posted 9:54 pm, 02/17/2024

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a packet of sweets."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two packets of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says. "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the sweets you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.
"Look," he shouts at the driver. "You bought the Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

DLD

Posted 9:18 pm, 02/17/2024

A farmer visited his fellow farmer one day an they were looking at the cows in the pasture. While they were looking the bull was covering one of the cows. The farmer said you must have a new bull because your old one was wa shed up. The guy said no thats the old bull, the vet just gave me some pills that makes him feel young again an your looking at the results. The guy ask, oh whats the name of the medicine. The farmer said I forgot the name but it taste like peppermint.

DLD

Posted 7:26 pm, 01/25/2024

I was in a DMV getting my liscense renewed the other day an this examiner was giving this guy an oral exam. He asked the guy "in your opinion whats the most dangerous thing on the road, the guy said a loaded down pulpwood truck. The examiner like to have fell out of his chair laughing. I felt sorry for the guy but didnt hang around to see if he passed the test.

DLD

Posted 1:38 pm, 01/23/2024

This farmer had a large cattle ranch an one morning a guy showed up an informed him he needed to check his cattle because their was some rustling going on in the area. The farmer told him he didnt have anything to do with rustling. The guy told him he was their to check an was going to check his cattle because he was the law an showed the farmer his badge to prove it. Well he proceeded to go in the pasture an about 2 hours later the farmer heard him screaming for help an looked in the pasture an saw this mean bull chasing the guy. He hollered out to the man "show him your badge"

DLD

Posted 11:45 pm, 01/22/2024

This old dude went to his Dr for serious constipation. The Dr gave him some Bisacodyl tablets an told him to insert one twice a day up his rectum. Well the dude got home an couldnt figure out what his rectum was, so he took the pills by mouth. He went back a few days later still having problem. When the Dr asked him if the medicine didnt help him the dude said, Doc for all the good it done me I just as well stuck it up my ***.

DLD

Posted 10:40 pm, 01/22/2024

This old guy was sitting on his porch in Wilkes and a boy walked up with a mason jar. He told the guy that he had just graduated from State with an engineering degree an had saw some honeysuckle behind his house an wanted permission to get some honey. The old guy said help yourself but you will not get any honey. The boy was gone a little while an came back with a pretty jar of sourwood honey. The next day the boy showed up with another jar an told the guy he saw some milkweed an could he get a jar of milk. The old man said sure but you want get any milk. Well the boy went behind his house and came out with a jar of milk.The old guy was amazed. the next day the boy came back an said, sir I saw some **** willow. The old guy said hold on. let me get my hat an I will go with you.

knslyr

Posted 3:48 pm, 01/03/2024

I was in a bar for New Years and a lady right in front of me had her nipple pierced. On a seperate note, I stink at darts.

DLD

Posted 12:58 pm, 01/03/2024

That should have read, what should I do

DLD

Posted 12:51 pm, 01/03/2024

An elderly couple went to the altar an knelt to pray. The woman farted. She nudged her husband an said I just let a silent fart, what she I do. He replied replace the battery in your hearing aid.

DLD

Posted 8:18 pm, 12/30/2023

A guy suspected his wife was cheating on him .He hires a chinese detective, the cheapest one he could find. This is his report. Most honorable sir, You leave house. I watch house.He come to house. I watch.He and she leave house.I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she.
she kiss he. He strip she. She stri he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out of tree. I no see. No fee. Ding Dong Lee.

Golan

Posted 2:40 pm, 12/28/2023

A woman from Traphill goes to the Walmart pharmacy and asks the cashier for some bottom deodorant. The cashier, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

The woman, unfazed, assures the cashier that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The cashier thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the Traphill woman and says, " One moment please, I will get the pharmacist."

The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Can I help you miss?"

"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the woman.

"I'm sorry, says the pharmacist, we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the woman.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" the pharmacist asks.

"Yes!" said the woman, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the her, "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant."

The annoyed woman snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

Rosestar

Posted 9:39 pm, 12/22/2023

Rosestar

Posted 9:20 pm, 12/22/2023

DLD

Posted 3:20 pm, 12/14/2023

A woman from NC an a woman from Texas were flying from Texas to NC when they struck up a conversation about their respective states. Every thing the NC woman said about her state the Texas woman would say something always bigger.
when they approached Charlotte airport the woman from NC grab the woman from Texas arm an said oh I must warn you the guys in NC liable to just walk up to you an stick a D*** in you. The woman from Texas said oh that aint a big deal, out in Texas they liable to stick one in you then walk up.

DLD

Posted 9:15 am, 11/27/2023

A few years ago I had a bulge an went to my dr. He examined me an said it was a hernia an that in fact it was on both sides. He schedule me to see a surgeon. Everybody told me he was a good dr an would say a prayer before he did the surgery. Well I had a death in the family after the surgery an I had to walk like Chester of Gunsmoke. Dont let nobody tell you your penis cannot be any bigger then what it is. It was at least twice as big or more but no longer. Anyhow when I went back for a checkup he wanted me to drop my pants so he could look. I warned him that he wasnt going to like what he saw. He said man thats minor that he had saw some a lot bigger than what mine was. I ask him if their was a way he ould take the hurt out an leave the swelling. He said I wasnt the first one who had requested that.That wasnt funny at the time.

i

knslyr

Posted 6:55 pm, 11/23/2023

A police officer is arresting a protestor and talls them, "You have the right to remain silent." The cop is interrupted by the protestor who says, "Oh no, I can't do that!" "Why not?" Says the cop. "Because I'm a vegan!"

Yes, Chef

Posted 2:12 pm, 11/23/2023

How many cooks does it take to change a light bulb?
5 - one to do it and four to tell him how it was done in their last restaurant.

How many servers does it take to change a light bulb?
Umm, no, that's not my job.

Tilly22

Posted 8:22 am, 11/23/2023

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like **** they're getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You're not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?" She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're both coming for Thanksgiving it's up to you to get them here for Christmas."

DLD

Posted 3:43 pm, 11/22/2023

When I was drafted into the army I stayed scared the whole two years because it was during Nam an I knew I would wind up there which I did. But on the way to the induction center their was this black guy from Statesville who ran up an down the aisle of that short bus an the big Black Sgt that was driving that bus couldnt do anything with him. when we got to our destation they took that guy off the bus an I never saw him a gain. Somebody had told him to act that way an he would be sent home.

DLD

Posted 3:32 pm, 11/22/2023

Musa, you got that from Jerry Clower. Jerrry told another funny one. He said an ole boy signed up for the army an then chickened out. So he took his papers an went back to the recruiters office an went in an was telling the recruiter he was ready to go to the middle east an grabs those muslems by the neck with his bare hands an put an end to all the bs going on over there. The recruiter look him in the eye an said "boy you are crazy. The ole boy laid those papers on his desk an said write that down.

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